Co-Regulation as a lifelong skill.
Self-regulation is a lifelong skill. And it really takes a ton of repetitions (as well as the pre-frontal cortex coming online) to be able to do.
Since becoming a parent, I’ve realized how much room there is to grow still when it comes to self-regulation.
Yet, we often expect kiddos with brains that are still massively under development to be able to self-regulate. I think it’s an important perspective to remember that when kids are losing their minds and completely dysregulated, it’s not because they don’t want to just calm down. It’s because they can’t on their own….yet.
Try thinking of a time where you were very, very dysregulated. Maybe you were feeling overly stressed, anxious, or worried. Maybe you were seething with anger. Now imagine experiencing this feeling, but not being able to access the tools it takes to come back to yourself. And not having the experiences to know that you will eventually return to calm again. Scary right?
None of us want to actively choose dysregulation. It doesn’’t feel good. And keeping that in mind can make it feel easier to resonate with and empathize with your child when they are losing it.
And it can be frustrating and hard to have to co-regulate with your kiddos over and over and over again. We might even find ourselves thinking, “This again?”
But co-regulation take s time. We are priming them for the ability to self-regulate in the future, and to be able to help co-regulate with others. Because with co-regulation, they learn not just about calming down, but being able to depend on connection with others when times get tough.
Because the reality is, we all still benefit from co-regulation. Have you ever had a crappy day and called your friend to vent? Ever come home from a stressful day at work and melted into a hug from your partner? That’s co-regulation.
When kids grow up with strong examples of co-regulators, their internal working model as they get older will be one with the ability to turn towards others (and have others turn towards them) when times get tough. And how beautiful is that?
